(reprinted forwarded e-mail stuff):
You know you are a true Wyomingite when:
1. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
2. “Vacation” means going up north past Worland for the weekend.
3. You measure distance in hours.
4. You know several people who have hit deer more than once.
5. You often switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day and back again.
6. Your whole family wears brown and gold to church on Sunday.
7. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
8. You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events.
9. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
10. You think of the major food groups as beer, fish, and venison.
11. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
12. There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at Big R Ranch & Farm at any given time.
13. You design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
14. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
15. You refer to the Bronco’s as “we.”
16. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.
17. You can identify a Colorado accent.
18. You have no problem spelling Meeteetse.
19. You consider Cheyenne exotic.
20. You don’t have a coughing fit from one sip of Coors.
21. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.
22. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.
23. Down South to you means Denver.
24. A brat is something you eat.
25. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new machine shed.
26. You go out to bull fry every Friday.
27. You know how to line dance.
28. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
29. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
30 You find 0 degrees “a little chilly.”
31. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Wyoming friends
====
This is longer, but even better:
Wyoming State Barbies are finally available
Jackson Barbie: This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with a Mercedes 4WD SUV, a Prada handbag and matching Nike Yoga ensemble. She has a masters degree and double-majored, but has the luxury of being a stay-at-home mom with Ken’s generous salary. Comes with Percocet prescription and Botox. Starbucks mug and traffic-jamming Blackberry internet/cell phone device sold separately. Husband Ken is into fishing, golfing, baseball and is often “working late.” Available at all Seattle-area Starbucks retailers.
Teton Village Barbie: This princess Barbie is only sold at Nordstrom. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, your choice of a BMW convertible or Hummer H2 and a long-haired foreign lapdog named “Honey.”
Also available is her cookie-cutter development dream house. Available with or without tummy tuck, facelift, and breast augmentation. Workaholic, cheating husband, Ken, comes with a Porsche.
Rock Springs Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, switchblade, ‘78 El Camino with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. This model is available only after dark and can only be purchased with cash – preferably small bills, unless you’re a cop, then we don’t know what you’re talking about. Boyfriend Ken is in rehab. Available at many pawn shops.
Rawlins Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie comes with a pair of high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer Gut Ken out of Auburn Barbie’s trailer. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lip gloss and a see-through halter top. Purchase her Mustang convertible separately and get a Confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. Boyfriend Ken is in the State Prison. Available at Army Navy Surplus.
Cheyenne Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans 2 sizes too small, steel-toed cowboy boots, a Willie Nelson T-shirt and a Tweedy Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has fake fingernails, a six pack of Budweiser, and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over a distance of 6 feet and kick PRCA cowboy Ken’s ass when she is drunk. Also available is the gold-toned cubic zirconium ring that Ken gave her after another one of his “episodes” with his boss’s daughter. Comes with Barbie’s Dream Double Wide Trailer. Available at Wal-Mart.
Gillette Barbie: Pregnant at purchase, this Barbie comes with a stroller and bus pass. Also included is a G.E.D. and a completely filled out food stamps form. Construction worker Ken and his ‘82 Caddy are optional. Available at Value Village.
Laramie Barbie: This Barbie is made out of recycled plastic and tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no make-up, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She does not want, or need, a Ken doll. If you purchase the optional Subaru wagon, you will receive a free rainbow flag sticker. Available at REI.
Lander Barbie: This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or removing snap on parts. Walks to work. Likes to “experiment,” but will never commit. This model is being phased out and is only available from the manufacturer.
Cody Barbie: This Barbie is a transplant from California and moved into the area to “get away from the big city”. She comes with a 10 acre “ranch” on the South Fork and a 1-ton crew cab diesel truck that she drives the kids to school in. She moved here to live in the beautiful and low populated west, but now doesn’t want anyone else to move here because they will ruin the area. Retired lawyer Ken comes with his own cowboy outfit so he can act like he is a local and “fit in”. This model is sold at any main street art gallery in Cody, and there are several to choose from.
Last Sunday, I was working around 3 PM, delivering food, when a bolt of inspiration struck me. I heard a melody in my head and I couldn’t get it out, but I knew if I didn’t do something I’d forget it eventually. I’ve lost so many ideas that way. So, I wrote down the first half of the first verse of what would become a new song in less than 24 hours’ time.
Charlie Wilson on a white horse while in Afghanistan. Photograph: AP (actual photo, not from the movie.)
MP3 podcast
Subscribe!
